Night Nurse: The Sexy Nurse Stereotype and the Unsexy Reality

Yup

I’m not even a nurse yet and I’ve been asked about this.

“So,” the guy asked casually, twirling his cocktail stick like he wanted to show me his actual cocktail stick. “I heard nurses are amazing in bed.”

Boy please.

Is there a pamphlet sent around to all guys within a certain age bracket on “How To Hit On A Girl”, because whoever’s the editor needs to take a second to evaluate their life and publishing choices.

I suppose the reason behind the stereotype is because being a nurse means that one is intimately acquainted with the workings of the human body, and aren’t ashamed by this. By the time we qualify, we have 2300hrs of experience, which translates into a fair amount of naked bodies being bandaged, washed, cannulated and yes, catheterised. We know what goes on down there. It’s a fair assumption that we also therefore know how to make the body feel quite good.

The other reason is most likely porn.

People who obtain their reality from porn need one heckuva reality check, if I’m honest. The one true thing about nurses in porn is that the uniforms are bare below the elbows, but that’s about it. Skirts and dresses that short will make manoeuvring patients so hard. I know we’re not allowed to bend from the waist but it wouldn’t be practical to have to maintain patient dignity and my own at the same time. As for the cleavage out? That’s just pointless. All that bare skin increases the chance of a needlestick injury by God knows how much. And where would we hang our badges? Also hair should be pulled back into a ponytail, not teased into loose curls or whatever. Clearly none of those script writers did their Infection Control training.

So what is nursing like really? Well it’s long hours on your feet for one. Usually 12hr shifts with two breaks if you can find the time to grab them. It’s hard work, helping the immobile move, the infirm become well, the incontinent… well… you know. And while we’re on the subject, bodily effusions are so unsexy. Children go from cute angels to vomit comets, the elderly go from dry to marinating in their number one in a matter of minutes, and man suppositories and enemas are so unpleasant. I’m sure it’s no fun for the patient either, but… man. Just. Use your imagination.

And so I said this to this eager pervert with the strange opening line – my future profession is a lot of things, but it isn’t your fantasy. It is not the reason why you should date me, nor is it the rationale for you trying to bed me. It is, however, difficult, taxing, messy and way more rewarding than that one-liner. I’m sorry if I’ve burst your bubble, pal. Fortunately, I’ve heard porn is free.

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