Fat Lot of Confidence

Author’s Note: This was first written in September 2016, so it’s been sitting in my drafts for 4 years, but I’m gonna post it because I find me hilarious. Enjoy!

The other day I heard a song that really speaks to me. NSFW for language, but here’s all you need to know from it if you haven’t the time to enjoy this masterpiece in musical art.

This song, about a plus-sized woman blowing her dough, spitting her flow and presumably getting some blow, is the gangsta version of what my mind would look like if it wasn’t so J-pop/K-pop coloured. She crows about her importance and her beauty and she says this iconic line: “I may be fat but you stupid. I can lose weight but you can’t lose stupid!”

It speaks to me because I have used this line before. I used to go to summer camp every year, you know the ones where you have to trek up and down hills and glue glitter and cotton wool to construction paper to create *~art~*? Yeah, that. Anyway I was a fat kid so this would mean that I would occasionally get bullied for my weight. I also used to be a sensitive kid, I would cry every time I see Sailor Moon S: The Movie, and would take it really hard. One fateful day I went to tell on a particularly awful kid and the teacher, no doubt used to weepy kids listened to my complaint before giving me one of the best pieces of advice ever:

“So? Sit on him.”

“Wh…What?”

“Sit on him. You’re fat, right? Own it. Use it. Sit on him.”

I sat on him and he cried like a… well… like me.

I got more comfortable and less weepy as I got older. I developed a quick mind and a sharp tongue to deal with people, and a sunny personality so that I hopefully wouldn’t have to use my sass. I remember a girl in high school being super rude to me, and me asking “where do you come from with that attitude?”

“From your ass,” she replied, looking smug.

“Well if you come from my ass you must be shit,” I shrugged.

She was never rude to me again.

It wasn’t that I felt defensive about my weight. I just never thought of it as an inherently good or bad thing. I am fat. Yeah. Ok. It’s a descriptor, and something that’s lower than all the good (and bad!) things that defined me as a person. I learned to love everything about me because it made me who I am, and that I may not be perfect but I’m damn good at a lot of stuff. This people defined as “confidence”.

Being fat and confident is not an easy task, especially when you feel as if it’s something you shouldn’t be. You get a lot of people proclaiming that fat is unattractive, you get people saying that you’re unhealthy, you get shops telling you that your size is “special” or worse, unavailable. You read pity stories about weight gain and “good for you” stories about people who have achieved great things in spite of the heinous pounds of fat on their midriff. But when you’re confident (again in spite of your sizable midriff), the response to those people is often…

So what if you don’t think I’m attractive? *I* think I’m attractive. Have you seen me? Maybe it took a while for you to take all of me in but holy hot damn am I cute.

So what if you think I’m unhealthy? I run and eat right most days and can do 150 squats and only get ill 4 times a year (when the weather changes drastically and I get a cold because my Caribbean constitution can’t take this seasonal business). You’re not my doctor anyway – worry about your own health.

My size isn’t all that special. Also rubber, lycra and other stretchy material’s been a thing for a while. Don’t wanna make past a size 10? Make it stretch, or I’ll shop somewhere else. Or hell I’ll make my own clothing, I’m talented like that.

Please don’t pity me. I don’t pity myself. And my weight isn’t a barrier to anything other than when I have to squeeze between two chairs and my butt hits someone in the back. In fact, anyone I’ve ever booty-bumped owes me like £20; you pay a lot more for a stripper to do the same thing and I’m giving you that experience for free.

I may not always like me (especially when I’m meant to leave the house in 10 minutes but I’m still in bed watching Youtube videos), but I love me and I think that everyone should love themselves too. You will always be stuck with you, you gotta love that experience. You’re “too skinny”? Nah fam, you’re model slender. You’ve got a big nose? No way, it’s distinguished and reminiscent of royalty. You’ve got big feet? So does Michael Phelps and he’s constantly winning awards. Your confidence can be loud and bright or soft and quiet, but you gotta have it. Cuz I do and let me tell you, it’s pretty fantastic.

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