A few days ago I decided to resurrect my blog.
Why? Well there are many reasons. But mostly it was because I didn’t want to go to the Dark Side.
Ehhhh? I hear you ask (or NANI? if you’re feeling like a weeaboo). That Star Wars thing?
Yes friend, that Star Wars thing. Allow me to elaborate using an extensive metaphor centred around a quote from The Phantom Menace.
The past few days have been a rollercoaster for me. I’ve felt a huge range of emotions since I got back to work from Australia (more on that later). This pandemic and the reactions of people to it have filled me with feelings that I couldn’t quite place at first. I was tired but I assumed it was jetlag until I got a full night of sleep and realised it wasn’t that. I thought maybe it was being overwhelmed, which yeah, as a nurse in the middle of a pandemic, that would make sense. But it was a lot worse than that. A lot more… potent.
It was yesterday that I realised that what I was feeling was a 50-50 split between fear and anger.
This is going to sound stupid but I’m not used to being consumed by rage or anxiety. I’m a pretty chilled, positive person. It’s not that I don’t feel negative emotions at all, I am human(ish). It’s more that it takes a lot to make me angry. Frustrated, sure. Stressed, yeah. But real, all-encompassing rage? Rare.
But this week I’ve felt angry. At so many things, and at so many people, at so many headlines and so many stories. It’s starting to spill over at fairly innocent things. I growled at a flower the other day. Stupid petal fell off the dang thing. FFS COULDN’T YOU HOLD IT TOGETHER??
Once I recognised those feelings, I became concerned. Why? Because this leads STRAIGHT to the dark side. Yoda said it best, y’all – fear leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to suffering which leads to
killing younglings the dark side. That is… not a good thing. I gotta try to stay away from the Dark side (even though they get the cooler lightsabers.)
In times of hardship, it’s pretty easy to fall into darkness. I’m using Star Wars as a light-hearted metaphor, but feel free to replace that with anything you desire that represents a hole that you can’t seem to get out of. Depression maybe? A funk? Whatever your chosen word is. I’m choosing to use the Dark Side because idk I’m a nerd, I guess. So what do I do to stay on the side of light? What can I do that will best… er… utilise the Force, as the case may be?
Well, the short answer is, I’m going to practice self-care. Exercise where possible (I’m already walking to work so that’s a whole thing). Eat healthier foods. Write this blog! I actually started it partially because I was stressed out in nursing school and needed an outlet, so this is self-care. Talk to a therapist (lord knows I’ll need it). I’ve made myself a home schedule, not because I think I’ll follow it but because it’s worthwhile to have a framework, a scaffolding in a time when it feels like your building is falling apart. Will all this work? I don’t know but I have to do it. Life’s too short to be consumed and immobilised by rage. And it is not enough to try to cope. In this current situation, I just have to do it.