Ex-Factor

Last year, I listened to a lot of Lauryn Hill… well a lot more than normal anyway. Break-up songs hit different when you’re actually going through a break up.

lauryn hill ex-factor GIF

SANG IT LAURYN

For reference, last year Boy and I broke up. It was less of a shock and more of a slow degeneration, at least from my perspective. I think a lot of men find it shocking when a woman dumps them. In a society where every woman is a nag regardless of whether their complaints are valid, women learn to sugarcoat the truth. So while I feel like I was pretty clear in what I wanted, maybe he doesn’t feel that way.

I’m not going to rip on him. I don’t do that because I feel like when people do that it says less about their ex and more about the person speaking. Your ex is ugly? Ok so you’re into ugly people. Your ex is stupid? Ok but you picked a stupid person. It’s better to be honest – you loved them, or thought you did, but it didn’t work out. Or you saw the red flags but chose to ignore them. So I’m gonna be honest because he doesn’t deserve to be slandered… and because I usually am honest to everybody but MyFitnessPal.

lauryn hill fashion GIF

Me, lying about the calories I’ve logged

I guess it boiled down to us wanting different things, but it wasn’t just that. We wanted things in a different way too. I have a pretty good grasp of what I want out of life and when I want it, and while I’m open to compromise and changing my mind I have a reasonable idea of the path I’m on. Boy was a different kettle of fish. And that’s ok! Not knowing what you want when you’re in your 20s is fine! I just found it hard to meet in the middle with someone who didn’t know where his middle was. For example, I am not interested in owning property just yet, but he wanted it so I was willing to meet in the middle on a timeline… except he didn’t know anything about property owning. For someone like me, this is really frustrating. To not know what you want is a foreign feeling for me, and I can empathise but in a relationship it’s not enough to empathise – you also have to accept. And I guess after 3 years I couldn’t accept it anymore.

One of the weirdest things following the break up was how many people asked me if I would take him back if he “changed”. In general I’m not a fan of the idea of taking someone back who promises to change because I feel like if they wanted to change they would have before being dumped. Specific to Boy I couldn’t see how that change would work. If two people have a different way of tackling problems that aren’t compatible, what’s the point? It would be less many-hands-make-light-work and more too-many-cooks.

lauryn hill GIF

Stop asking people that. It’s weird.

I didn’t appreciate people saying “oh but he’s nice” either. NICE IS THE BARE MINIMUM YOU SHOULD BE. I’m a nice person. I can just be nice to myself.

And there’s the rub. At the end of the day, I decided that I would rather be alone than accept something that didn’t work for me. It was an incredibly hard decision to make, but once I did it, I felt much better, like a weight (or a mental load) had lifted. I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, Boy is a great guy and I’m sure he’ll make someone happy someday (if he isn’t already doing so). But I am a complete person and I don’t ascribe to the long-suffering girlfriend thing that women seem to be expected to put up with. I’d rather be alone and happy.

…..

Anyway so I have a new boyfriend!

listen lauryn hill GIF

Couldn’t resist That Thing

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